And then mommy said, "THAT'S IT!"

Let me begin this post with what every mom begins with...

I fucking love the shit out of my son.

!BUT!

I give MAD props to single moms and moms doing it with shitty partners because I cannot handle it. Sexy man had a midterm, and a meeting, and class, and work today (why am I bitching right?), so I was with Talon from 6 am to 7 pm....

And I was fucking done. D-O-N-E! In case you are wondering, that spells "get the fuck to bed, leave me the fuck alone, I am going to eat a piece of fucking cake for fucking dinner and god so help the fool that inter-fucking-rupts me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I get it, I'm being ungrateful! Especially how I bitch and whine about why I cannot spend more time with Talon. But see, when I bitch, I mean more, not all! And in that more, I mean time as a family unit. Not me taking four, count em, four hours to clean up the living room of laundry! Talon has hit the switch that says, "I am part of this awesomely cool big world and I love it to pieces and oh what's this? And this? What about this over here? Moooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom!!!!!!!!" 99.9999999995% of the time, this is amazing to watch. But at 5:00pm today, I was shit on, pissed on, pissed off, covered in vomit and spit kisses, had a nice migrane that sounded like what a dog whistle must sound like to dogs and I just couldn't take it anymore. Talon's bed time is usually around 6:30pm-7:30pm. I had him out by 6:05pm because I needed a break. So what do I do with my gloriously free time? Read a few blogs, debate a shower but not actually take one, watch TLC's What Not To Wear, and stay as silent as possible.

Damn my life is exciting.

Something's Gotta Give

I don't know where it comes from. Inner strength, being the daughter of a bad-ass, modern feminism, or an awesome supportive husband, but I want it all.

Selfish? But of course, I claim nothing else. I want to be a fashion designing comedian who works days as an optometrists and split shifts as a religious studies professor. I also want to be a stay at home mom and dotting Betty Bitch Crocker wife to my loving man.

But I have reached the end of my wick, my bright inner candle light is about to poof out into smokey blackness. I feel myself falling back into my depression, slipping in and out of the scary mask of PPD. I barely sleep even when my house is quiet because I just cannot stop thinking. I don't want to wake up anymore, of even go to classes even though this is my last undergraduate year. The idea of going to become a doctor is beyond me because I don't feel my own worth. I am having my own pity party and I don't even get a drink.

Strangely enough, the one thing I always doubted in my life has become the only note(s) of stability. My husband, and my son; my role as wife and mom. I feel secure in the fact that I am a rather good mom *toot horn* and a damn okay wife. But I am losing myself and all my confidence in my want to become a Doctor. Changing my image, wearing makeup, I feel like I am slowly losing myself and the things I enjoy.

It's time to get the balance back, even if I have to force it.