I don't know where it comes from. Inner strength, being the daughter of a bad-ass, modern feminism, or an awesome supportive husband, but I want it all.
Selfish? But of course, I claim nothing else. I want to be a fashion designing comedian who works days as an optometrists and split shifts as a religious studies professor. I also want to be a stay at home mom and dotting Betty Bitch Crocker wife to my loving man.
But I have reached the end of my wick, my bright inner candle light is about to poof out into smokey blackness. I feel myself falling back into my depression, slipping in and out of the scary mask of PPD. I barely sleep even when my house is quiet because I just cannot stop thinking. I don't want to wake up anymore, of even go to classes even though this is my last undergraduate year. The idea of going to become a doctor is beyond me because I don't feel my own worth. I am having my own pity party and I don't even get a drink.
Strangely enough, the one thing I always doubted in my life has become the only note(s) of stability. My husband, and my son; my role as wife and mom. I feel secure in the fact that I am a rather good mom *toot horn* and a damn okay wife. But I am losing myself and all my confidence in my want to become a Doctor. Changing my image, wearing makeup, I feel like I am slowly losing myself and the things I enjoy.
It's time to get the balance back, even if I have to force it.
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