I have decided that I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.
What an inconvenient time for this shit to pop up.
I tend to be somewhat of an illetist. I have a higher than thou idea because, well, I am. I knew what I was going to do when I grew up. I was going to finish my double major and head over to optometry school and drive Ferrari's with my male harem.
*Cue husband and son from stage Left*
Damn.
The double major went out the window with morning sickness and I am going to be happy just to have one major with a 2.5 GPA by the end of my college "career". And what will I have to show for it? A big fat B.S. in Religious Studies. Sure, it's what I want to do, what I am interested in, but where does that lead me?
I'm just so confused so I decided to do the fall back career, a teacher. Hooray. Well, apparently teaching isn't such a hot career. So I flipped back to Optometry and then realized that how am I going to be Doctor, Mom, and Wife?
I can't. So I sit and whine. My relationship with said Chaddillac started to go down hill fast and we are reinforcing everything with cement but even that is taking its toll.
Do I become a stay at home mom and destroy myself with self-loathing?
Do I become a doctor and kill Chadillac's love for a 6 person family?
Do I become a teacher and have it all except financial freedom and fulfillment of dreams?
Do I become a reclusive author who makes millions?
I know! I shall go huddle in the fetal position until I figure it out!
Friday, January 29, 2010
Friday, November 06, 2009
And then mommy said, "THAT'S IT!"
Let me begin this post with what every mom begins with...
I fucking love the shit out of my son.
!BUT!
I give MAD props to single moms and moms doing it with shitty partners because I cannot handle it. Sexy man had a midterm, and a meeting, and class, and work today (why am I bitching right?), so I was with Talon from 6 am to 7 pm....
And I was fucking done. D-O-N-E! In case you are wondering, that spells "get the fuck to bed, leave me the fuck alone, I am going to eat a piece of fucking cake for fucking dinner and god so help the fool that inter-fucking-rupts me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I get it, I'm being ungrateful! Especially how I bitch and whine about why I cannot spend more time with Talon. But see, when I bitch, I mean more, not all! And in that more, I mean time as a family unit. Not me taking four, count em, four hours to clean up the living room of laundry! Talon has hit the switch that says, "I am part of this awesomely cool big world and I love it to pieces and oh what's this? And this? What about this over here? Moooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom!!!!!!!!" 99.9999999995% of the time, this is amazing to watch. But at 5:00pm today, I was shit on, pissed on, pissed off, covered in vomit and spit kisses, had a nice migrane that sounded like what a dog whistle must sound like to dogs and I just couldn't take it anymore. Talon's bed time is usually around 6:30pm-7:30pm. I had him out by 6:05pm because I needed a break. So what do I do with my gloriously free time? Read a few blogs, debate a shower but not actually take one, watch TLC's What Not To Wear, and stay as silent as possible.
Damn my life is exciting.
I fucking love the shit out of my son.
!BUT!
I give MAD props to single moms and moms doing it with shitty partners because I cannot handle it. Sexy man had a midterm, and a meeting, and class, and work today (why am I bitching right?), so I was with Talon from 6 am to 7 pm....
And I was fucking done. D-O-N-E! In case you are wondering, that spells "get the fuck to bed, leave me the fuck alone, I am going to eat a piece of fucking cake for fucking dinner and god so help the fool that inter-fucking-rupts me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I get it, I'm being ungrateful! Especially how I bitch and whine about why I cannot spend more time with Talon. But see, when I bitch, I mean more, not all! And in that more, I mean time as a family unit. Not me taking four, count em, four hours to clean up the living room of laundry! Talon has hit the switch that says, "I am part of this awesomely cool big world and I love it to pieces and oh what's this? And this? What about this over here? Moooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom!!!!!!!!" 99.9999999995% of the time, this is amazing to watch. But at 5:00pm today, I was shit on, pissed on, pissed off, covered in vomit and spit kisses, had a nice migrane that sounded like what a dog whistle must sound like to dogs and I just couldn't take it anymore. Talon's bed time is usually around 6:30pm-7:30pm. I had him out by 6:05pm because I needed a break. So what do I do with my gloriously free time? Read a few blogs, debate a shower but not actually take one, watch TLC's What Not To Wear, and stay as silent as possible.
Damn my life is exciting.
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Something's Gotta Give
I don't know where it comes from. Inner strength, being the daughter of a bad-ass, modern feminism, or an awesome supportive husband, but I want it all.
Selfish? But of course, I claim nothing else. I want to be a fashion designing comedian who works days as an optometrists and split shifts as a religious studies professor. I also want to be a stay at home mom and dotting Betty Bitch Crocker wife to my loving man.
But I have reached the end of my wick, my bright inner candle light is about to poof out into smokey blackness. I feel myself falling back into my depression, slipping in and out of the scary mask of PPD. I barely sleep even when my house is quiet because I just cannot stop thinking. I don't want to wake up anymore, of even go to classes even though this is my last undergraduate year. The idea of going to become a doctor is beyond me because I don't feel my own worth. I am having my own pity party and I don't even get a drink.
Strangely enough, the one thing I always doubted in my life has become the only note(s) of stability. My husband, and my son; my role as wife and mom. I feel secure in the fact that I am a rather good mom *toot horn* and a damn okay wife. But I am losing myself and all my confidence in my want to become a Doctor. Changing my image, wearing makeup, I feel like I am slowly losing myself and the things I enjoy.
It's time to get the balance back, even if I have to force it.
Selfish? But of course, I claim nothing else. I want to be a fashion designing comedian who works days as an optometrists and split shifts as a religious studies professor. I also want to be a stay at home mom and dotting Betty Bitch Crocker wife to my loving man.
But I have reached the end of my wick, my bright inner candle light is about to poof out into smokey blackness. I feel myself falling back into my depression, slipping in and out of the scary mask of PPD. I barely sleep even when my house is quiet because I just cannot stop thinking. I don't want to wake up anymore, of even go to classes even though this is my last undergraduate year. The idea of going to become a doctor is beyond me because I don't feel my own worth. I am having my own pity party and I don't even get a drink.
Strangely enough, the one thing I always doubted in my life has become the only note(s) of stability. My husband, and my son; my role as wife and mom. I feel secure in the fact that I am a rather good mom *toot horn* and a damn okay wife. But I am losing myself and all my confidence in my want to become a Doctor. Changing my image, wearing makeup, I feel like I am slowly losing myself and the things I enjoy.
It's time to get the balance back, even if I have to force it.
Saturday, October 03, 2009
Sleeping through the night
This is a question that plagues parents. Is your baby sleeping through the night? Why is he/she not sleeping through the night? Here, have my advice on how to make your baby sleep through the night. Not listening or trying to ignore me? Here, read these books on getting babies to sleep through the night!
BAH!
I have been told that I am damaging my son by not regimenting him to sleep through the night. I am doing him a disservice by not training him how to sleep.
Here are my ideas about sleep and our son; He is not a puppy, kitten, parakeet, puppet, or any other form of trainable animal. He is a human being to be treated with respect, love, and kindness. I was always treated as though I knew everything and asked for clarification if I needed it or when I didn't fully understand. I feel this has really helped with my ability to read people, learn contextual subjects, and have a lot of confidence in my brains. Talon is a baby, with a tiny bladder, a tiny stomach, and a tiny attention span. Counter to belief feeding him solids did not help him sleep through the night, it made him worse. Crying out did not work. Johnson & Johnson's special bedtime wash and lotion with "Natural Calm" made him sleep worse. To me, this all spelled out one thing:
He simply isn't ready or calm enough yet to sleep through the night.
And I am okay with it. Chad is okay with it. We are tired, and sleepy, occasionally grumpy but before we know it, Talon will be 16, begging for us to quit banging on his door and give him 10 more minutes. We get maybe 2 years of him needing our love and our comfort. Maybe 3 years of him sleeping in our bed, enjoying to snuggle between Mami and Papa. Some days we handle it worse than others, but most of the time, we keep it in perspective. He'll sleep when he's ready and parenting is a 24/7 job. Parenting does not stop for sleep, it continues. And because Talon deserves the best, we will give him everything that we have inside of us because we are parents. We are his parents, and dammit, we're good at it.
BAH!
I have been told that I am damaging my son by not regimenting him to sleep through the night. I am doing him a disservice by not training him how to sleep.
Here are my ideas about sleep and our son; He is not a puppy, kitten, parakeet, puppet, or any other form of trainable animal. He is a human being to be treated with respect, love, and kindness. I was always treated as though I knew everything and asked for clarification if I needed it or when I didn't fully understand. I feel this has really helped with my ability to read people, learn contextual subjects, and have a lot of confidence in my brains. Talon is a baby, with a tiny bladder, a tiny stomach, and a tiny attention span. Counter to belief feeding him solids did not help him sleep through the night, it made him worse. Crying out did not work. Johnson & Johnson's special bedtime wash and lotion with "Natural Calm" made him sleep worse. To me, this all spelled out one thing:
He simply isn't ready or calm enough yet to sleep through the night.
And I am okay with it. Chad is okay with it. We are tired, and sleepy, occasionally grumpy but before we know it, Talon will be 16, begging for us to quit banging on his door and give him 10 more minutes. We get maybe 2 years of him needing our love and our comfort. Maybe 3 years of him sleeping in our bed, enjoying to snuggle between Mami and Papa. Some days we handle it worse than others, but most of the time, we keep it in perspective. He'll sleep when he's ready and parenting is a 24/7 job. Parenting does not stop for sleep, it continues. And because Talon deserves the best, we will give him everything that we have inside of us because we are parents. We are his parents, and dammit, we're good at it.
Friday, October 02, 2009
18 kids and sewing that s*** up
It seems that the Duggars have been in the Hollywood rags a lot lately. Apparently producing more children than a farm does potatoes is amazing.
But it does lead to an interesting question.
Am I done, with just one kid? Am I ready to throw off the shackles of diapers and prepare to move on with one child growing up? Simply, I'm not sure.
Chad has always wanted a large family, but I have never wanted a family. I have never wanted to be responsible for anyone but myself. Obviously that has changed but I still feel doubt. Mom's are amazing powerful women with kind words, sly lessons, patience, long hair, and unending beauty. So how the hell do I make the cut?
From the minute Talon was born, it was painful to watch him grow. But, it was also jaw dropping. To watch him learn about his hands and feet, his mouth. Likes, and dislikes. I feel like I am doing a good job, but do I want to risk it again?
Chad says he wants 6 children...I think my counter offer will be 3. This is only because Chad and I are too awesome to not produce. ^_^
But it does lead to an interesting question.
Am I done, with just one kid? Am I ready to throw off the shackles of diapers and prepare to move on with one child growing up? Simply, I'm not sure.
Chad has always wanted a large family, but I have never wanted a family. I have never wanted to be responsible for anyone but myself. Obviously that has changed but I still feel doubt. Mom's are amazing powerful women with kind words, sly lessons, patience, long hair, and unending beauty. So how the hell do I make the cut?
From the minute Talon was born, it was painful to watch him grow. But, it was also jaw dropping. To watch him learn about his hands and feet, his mouth. Likes, and dislikes. I feel like I am doing a good job, but do I want to risk it again?
Chad says he wants 6 children...I think my counter offer will be 3. This is only because Chad and I are too awesome to not produce. ^_^
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
The 5 month mark
Talon turned 5 months old on Monday, the day before I started my last year of undergraduate school. Needless to say, it was both warming and breaking of the heart for the same reason; he's growing.
He has about 2mm worth of teeth and can only sit up if you brace him but he is getting so big. Because of this, there was cause for concern recently when he began to not sleep through the night. Many helpful individuals thought it would be a delicious idea for him to cry it out.
Let me back this up by saying that Talon and are are uber connected. I laugh, he laughs. I cry, he cries. He doesn't sleep, neither do I. So the idea of him laying there crying didn't appeal to me but after three nights of 2 hours of sleep and a full day of school leering at me, I decided to try it.
It is in my hope that I am never such a dumbass again. He cried for about 5 minutes until he started literally loosing it. Gasping for breath and crying even harder. I was a complete selfish idiot for doing it. Talon is 20 weeks old in this world. I'm 23 years and I barely sleep straight through the night without a pee and a poke waking me up, why should I expect him?
I have new sleep tenets. I am old enough to know that my son is not old enough to manipulate me in the way that adults do. I also know my boy well enough to know, "Mamai I need you right f-ing now!" and "Mamaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.....I miss you." The cries during the night were simply, "Mamai, I miss you and need you right f-ing now" So I planned the fifth night perfectly. I would sleep for 2 hours and then be up with him, not playing, but just hold him. He slept through thte night. I had missed my chance for redemption. Talon may not remember it, but I will.
Lesson: Always listen, even more so when the person speaking cannot use the words.
He has about 2mm worth of teeth and can only sit up if you brace him but he is getting so big. Because of this, there was cause for concern recently when he began to not sleep through the night. Many helpful individuals thought it would be a delicious idea for him to cry it out.
Let me back this up by saying that Talon and are are uber connected. I laugh, he laughs. I cry, he cries. He doesn't sleep, neither do I. So the idea of him laying there crying didn't appeal to me but after three nights of 2 hours of sleep and a full day of school leering at me, I decided to try it.
It is in my hope that I am never such a dumbass again. He cried for about 5 minutes until he started literally loosing it. Gasping for breath and crying even harder. I was a complete selfish idiot for doing it. Talon is 20 weeks old in this world. I'm 23 years and I barely sleep straight through the night without a pee and a poke waking me up, why should I expect him?
I have new sleep tenets. I am old enough to know that my son is not old enough to manipulate me in the way that adults do. I also know my boy well enough to know, "Mamai I need you right f-ing now!" and "Mamaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.....I miss you." The cries during the night were simply, "Mamai, I miss you and need you right f-ing now" So I planned the fifth night perfectly. I would sleep for 2 hours and then be up with him, not playing, but just hold him. He slept through thte night. I had missed my chance for redemption. Talon may not remember it, but I will.
Lesson: Always listen, even more so when the person speaking cannot use the words.
Friday, September 18, 2009
A Change In The Wind
No one ever told me being a mom was easy...
And dammit I wish they would have.
No hold up, I know it's not like making cookies easy or walking easy but it's really not as hard as people make it out to be. It's trying, it's painful and sometimes it's damn exhausting but it is not hard. It's rewarding and refreshing to mold a beautiful sponge (aka baby).
Hard would be if I didn't have Chads support, if we didn't have insurance to get to the doctors for all of our worries, if Talon had a horrible problem (or develops one later). But as of right now, I'm the luckiest diva of them all.
I must admit, using the term diva is a self programmed way not to call myself a bitch. And I have always been a bitch , and self-absorbed, spoiled, "If my ship is sinking, consider it abandoned", first class priorty mail flate rate bitch. My heart never grew, not really. It prioritized. One friend took the place of another friend because I loved myself so much, I didn't believe my heart had room to stretch.
Then Talon came along,
my heart streched around the Earth. That one feeling is the amazing feeling. To literally feel your heart not expand, nor swell. Not to get caught in your throat like it did when you had that first kiss with the lover you are with. But to literally grow ala Grinch style. I can only imagine what having the next three kids we are planning on will be like, and how much more heart my body can contain.
Sweet Dreams
-Jamie
And dammit I wish they would have.
No hold up, I know it's not like making cookies easy or walking easy but it's really not as hard as people make it out to be. It's trying, it's painful and sometimes it's damn exhausting but it is not hard. It's rewarding and refreshing to mold a beautiful sponge (aka baby).
Hard would be if I didn't have Chads support, if we didn't have insurance to get to the doctors for all of our worries, if Talon had a horrible problem (or develops one later). But as of right now, I'm the luckiest diva of them all.
I must admit, using the term diva is a self programmed way not to call myself a bitch. And I have always been a bitch , and self-absorbed, spoiled, "If my ship is sinking, consider it abandoned", first class priorty mail flate rate bitch. My heart never grew, not really. It prioritized. One friend took the place of another friend because I loved myself so much, I didn't believe my heart had room to stretch.
Then Talon came along,
my heart streched around the Earth. That one feeling is the amazing feeling. To literally feel your heart not expand, nor swell. Not to get caught in your throat like it did when you had that first kiss with the lover you are with. But to literally grow ala Grinch style. I can only imagine what having the next three kids we are planning on will be like, and how much more heart my body can contain.
Sweet Dreams
-Jamie
Thursday, September 17, 2009
The 18 Week Old Stats
Height: 24 5/8" (40%)
Weight: 13lbs 10oz (30%)
Head Circumfrence: 15 3/4" (8%)
Hooray big boy!
Weight: 13lbs 10oz (30%)
Head Circumfrence: 15 3/4" (8%)
Hooray big boy!
The 4 month well check
Obviously for me, I have the idea of daily and monthly switched when it comes to posting, but I digress.
Today was the 4 month well check as well as the second day that I went to the Doctors in one week. The last appointment was due to these strange bumps growing at the back of his head. This simple new mom concern exploded into the idea that he wasn't gaining enough weight, that his head was too small, my breast milk wasn't good enough and of course, I need to get him circumcised and use cloth diapers, (I use what is left of my disposible diapers when we are traveling).
All in all, this appointment managed to piss me off and completely make me loose all faith in my pediatrician but
Today was the 4 month well check as well as the second day that I went to the Doctors in one week. The last appointment was due to these strange bumps growing at the back of his head. This simple new mom concern exploded into the idea that he wasn't gaining enough weight, that his head was too small, my breast milk wasn't good enough and of course, I need to get him circumcised and use cloth diapers, (I use what is left of my disposible diapers when we are traveling).
All in all, this appointment managed to piss me off and completely make me loose all faith in my pediatrician but
Here is where the plot thickens!
I was ACTUALLY seeing a nurse practitioner who the office makes you see every other visit because my doctor is just too busy. A normal and standard procedure in terms of busy city life and babies that she failed to mention! She was fine letting me believe that she was also a pediatrician. So I reschedule for an actual appointment with the DOCTOR. You know, the one in debt up to his arse who has a Phd.
Reassurance is given
:
My baby, while fussy and on a very strange schedule. Is better than normal, he has no weight problem but is perfect. He is like a baby from an earlier era because although he follows the curve at 30% below average, he is steady growing. He height is more than his weight, which is what he wants to see. His head, while small, is growing just fine. Actually, we are were given the go ahead to start food because he has been teething, which is wonderful because he has been looking at out food and being hungry after boob for a while now. Oh yes, and then the gave him his shots and he did as well as can be expected having 4 needles jabbed into your chubby thighs.
So basically I learned that I should only see doctors less I want to get pissed off.
Oh yeah, and in the office, Talon made friends with another baby and it was amazing. I have the ability to talk to random mom's and make friends. ^_^ Hooray!
Friday, September 11, 2009
The First Day of the Rest of my Blog Life
I made this blog so I can document the trials of being a first time mom. I promised myself I would write in it everyday when Talon went down.... And that brings us up to date as of two days ago.
It just figures that when I decide to do a blog, Chad and I have a row. He graciously took the baby and let me sleep in. Fast forward 5 hours after he has gotten a nap in and I took over teething/screaming Talon duty and you have Chad on the computer bouncing Tally on his knee and me making sandwhiches for lunch. Enter Talon screaming from stage Left.
All I said was, "Do you want me to bounce him in the kitchen?"
...*ATOM BOMB EXPLOSION*
Chad: "I can fucking bounce him honey, goddammit."
Me: *cry tears in his sandwhich, after I gave him the last two slices and I took the butts because he had to go to work in 30 minutes*
His apology is then somethig like he feels I was undermineing him because he was already bouncing him and that I was already doing enough also that I was insuinuating that he wasn't doing his job as a papa.
Pissed me off!
We strive for equal parenting, really, we do. So how do I explain the mom superpowers? I can hear him breathe and sigh, (not including the 10 times I run into the room only to have him soundly asleepy, I'm counting the 1 time when he is stirring). That I have diaper-ray vision and can change a diaper faster than a speeding bullet, but not miss his speeding bullets. Hey, he is son of super parents.
How do I explain to Chad that he is dead wrong in this argument and I don't deserve an apology but groveling. I understand that he is tired, but if this is what happens for fucks sakes, you sleep in and I'll take the baby from now on. At least I'm only a mindless zombie on 4 hours of sleep, not an asshole.
It just figures that when I decide to do a blog, Chad and I have a row. He graciously took the baby and let me sleep in. Fast forward 5 hours after he has gotten a nap in and I took over teething/screaming Talon duty and you have Chad on the computer bouncing Tally on his knee and me making sandwhiches for lunch. Enter Talon screaming from stage Left.
All I said was, "Do you want me to bounce him in the kitchen?"
...*ATOM BOMB EXPLOSION*
Chad: "I can fucking bounce him honey, goddammit."
Me: *cry tears in his sandwhich, after I gave him the last two slices and I took the butts because he had to go to work in 30 minutes*
His apology is then somethig like he feels I was undermineing him because he was already bouncing him and that I was already doing enough also that I was insuinuating that he wasn't doing his job as a papa.
Pissed me off!
We strive for equal parenting, really, we do. So how do I explain the mom superpowers? I can hear him breathe and sigh, (not including the 10 times I run into the room only to have him soundly asleepy, I'm counting the 1 time when he is stirring). That I have diaper-ray vision and can change a diaper faster than a speeding bullet, but not miss his speeding bullets. Hey, he is son of super parents.
How do I explain to Chad that he is dead wrong in this argument and I don't deserve an apology but groveling. I understand that he is tired, but if this is what happens for fucks sakes, you sleep in and I'll take the baby from now on. At least I'm only a mindless zombie on 4 hours of sleep, not an asshole.
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